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“I Have Decided”

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This past Sunday was Easter, but for me it was so. much. more.

This past Sunday I, a 31 year old, single mother, was baptized for the 2nd time in my life. This decision was something I actually struggled with for a few years before I faced the fear of coming forward and admitting my biggest mistake.

I was 7 years old the first time I was baptized and at the time, I didn’t really know why I was doing it. I knew it was something that, as a christian, I was supposed to do but I didn’t have a full understanding of it. The following years I merely went through the motions of acting like a christian. Then I became an “adult” and COMPLETELY strayed from that path but still claimed that I was a believer. Turns out, I was a believer….just not a follower. It wasn’t until I found out that I was with child that I realized just how far I had strayed. I wasn’t just “off the path” I was completely lost. This is when I started trying to make my way back to the path I was meant to be on.

Even though I had found my way back to Christ, I still wasn’t where I was supposed to be. Instead of walking the actual path, I was more like walking next to the path. Stumbling over obstacles that tried to pull me further away again. I stayed in my comfort spot like this for almost 7 years. The last 2 of those I kept feeling this pull. I didn’t just want to walk next to the path but I wanted to be on it! I NEEDED to be on this path but I was scared. I continuously felt this pull and I fought it. Negative thoughts like “you’re being silly or naive” or “you’re not good enough to recommit” or “you can’t do that because of you past” would rack my mind and create doubt. It was uncomfortable going to church on Sundays because it was like the preacher was speaking directly to me. Like he knew exactly what to say to pull me in. Well, he didn’t…but God did.

It wasn’t the preacher or the people, but God using them that brought me back. That finally gave me courage to say, “I’m ready!” I looked the devil in the eye and said enough is enough. “I made a mistake at 7 years old. I was baptized for the wrong reasons and now I want to do it for the right reasons. Because I have accepted Jesus and asked him to fill my heart.”

With my family, I took a before and an after picture in the photo booth to show that there has been a change and that I have committed to the path that was laid before me. The path that God chose for me. Not the path I choose or the path I believe I should be on. But God’s path.

Over these years I have heard over and over again that God will pull you out of your comfort zone. He makes you uncomfortable, to move you. I encourage you, to follow that feeling. Once you do, you will find God is your comfort.

“So do not fear, for I am with you;
    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
Isaiah 41:10

The Last Cookie

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You ever sneak the last cookie without your child noticing? I did this morning actually. Now, usually, I wouldn’t mind leaving the cookie in the plastic container for my son to eat later in the day. However, this is not a usual cookie. This was the last sugar cookie left. No, I’m not talking about those things they call cookies you get from the store. I’m talking a homemade cookie with the homemade frosting from your grandmother’s house.

Now, just so you know, there are two other types of homemade cookies in another plastic container. Snickerdoodles and Chocolate Crinkle Cookies are good too. But they don’t beat these cookies.

You may be wondering why it’s a big deal for this to be the last cookie. Well, simply because I cannot come close to replicating them. Yes, my grandmother lives just up the hill for me but she just south of being 90. I am not going to go requesting she specifically make the cookies just cause they are all gone.

One thing I have noticed about being a mom, is that when it comes to some little treats like this, I often find myself torn between letting the boy have it, or trying to sneak it so he doesn’t remember they are there. I have found myself staying up a good 10 minutes after he goes to bed so I can have myself a treat.

Lord knows that toddlers don’t know they want a treat until they see you with one. I mean, my kid saw me getting an ice cream sandwich out of the freezer and said he wanted one. However, that was a lie. I ended up putting the thing back in the freezer…unwrapped might I ad.

I have not only heard, but also used, the phrase “momma needs a minute” multiple times. Now I’m saying “momma needs a treat”.

I have to say, I’m pretty proud of myself considering I actually managed to get it out of the container, into the baggy, and out the door without the toddler ever knowing even though he was sitting on the couch and there isn’t anything really separating the two rooms.

Sneak Level: Semi-Pro

The Sweetness

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My last post was about how God made children have such good moments that they are the reasons we, as a species, are still going. My child, who is 4, has had about 2 days of sweetness.

First, you need to know that my mom keeps the scorebook for the girls basketball team and has done this since I was in school. With this, we have become fairly active members of the crew, Zackary included. Well, Tuesday night, the girls were playing and it was a physically rough game. One girl actually had to be taken to the ER for precautionary measures after colliding head first with another player. One thing about Zackary is that he could think the world of you and you never know it. Well, he has come to like the girl that got hurt very much and wanted to get her something to make her feel better.

The night the injury happened, we got home and there was a large package on our front porch (Christmas present) and I had to tell him we could not open it because it isn’t for us. He asked if it was for the hurt friend. I told him no, but we can get something. When I asked what he wanted to get her…”MEDICINE!”

Yesterday, after picking him up from school he was still talking about getting the girl something to make her feel better. So, today, I have a small gift bag with 3 things he picked out at the store: candy cane tube of Hershey’s Kisses, a big sucker, and a small bottle of extra strength pain reliever. I also added a small jar candle too.

There is a 4th thing in the bag as well. Today my son’s class is having a Christmas party and we took homemade cookies for it. Before we left the house he even picked out a cookie to put in the gift bag all on his own accord.

It’s moments like these when you have a Grinch moment and your heart actually grows.

Keeping The Species Alive

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Today I can’t help but think that God made kids have such sweet moments of cuteness, hilarity, and love because he knew that without them, mankind would die off just because of how annoying they can be. This is also probably why the way our brain works is very different than the way our hearts work.

Let’s be real, as a parent we all know that there is nothing that we wouldn’t do for our littles. Whether you have 1 or multiples, each child has a very special place in our hearts. I would bet it they actually take up most of the space in there too.

A parent’s brain on the other hand, doesn’t necessarily have the same feelings. I mean, how many times a day can one person here their name being called repeatedly every time they think they don’t have your attention. I can be looking my son right in the eye after saying “What?’ and he still says “Mommy” 10 more times. By now I have raised my voice and said “WHAT?!” before he actually says what he is thinking. Like, I hear you son, it’s your turn to speak.

Or, how about when they ask you the same question 10 times even though the answer doesn’t change. This morning I can’t tell you how many times I was told that he couldn’t see through the windshield because of the frost while I buckled him in the car. I do know that every time he said it I said the same thing, “I’m going to fix it.” If I were to have a catch phrase it would be “just wait a second!” or “just give me a minute!”

Since I don’t trust him with the toilet paper, you should hear him say “Mommay” 15 times when he is done and needs to wipe his rear. That is with me yelling “I’m coming!” after every time he says it.

Another great thing is when you wake up at night and find that you are not alone in your bed anymore. Sometimes I wonder how I slept through my 50 lbs toddler climbing up on to the bed and crawling across it. this morning I also wondered how in the world he ended up sideways with his feet on my face. Even after I turned him and scooted him over I still woke up this morning with his feet right next my head on my pillow. Good thing he gets his baths at night so they didn’t stink.

I honestly think children are proof that God does have a sense of humor and that he is up there with a group of angel buddies saying “watch this!”

When A Song Comes On

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Usually, I am not one that jams out to praise or worship songs on a day to day basis. However, with it being a slow day at work I decided to turn on my iHeart Radio favorites playlist.

This is the first song that plays and, normally, I would just hit the next button. Today, on the other hand, something just said, “you need this”. It isn’t an overly powerful song and it is one that most people know but something just told me to let it play.

Now I wasn’t in a bad mood or cranky or anything, just a lil bored and a lil tired. The tiredness probably stems from the boredness. Yet, listening to this song just put me in a better mood, and I’m not necessarily completely sure why.

All I can tell you is that our brains may not realize how much our hearts really need something. As a christian, this something tends to be a reminder, big or small, that we are never alone and that good things are to come, no matter what we may be going through.

There is a reason why songs like this are described as “uplifting”.

Mommy, I’m Wet

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As much as I dislike the sound of my alarm clock in the morning there is one thing I dislike even more. Those three words coming from the sweetest voice in the whole world. “Mommy, I’m wet” has got to be one of the worst wake up calls ever.

Now, it’s one kind of bad when it happens in the middle of the night, but at least you can go back to bed. However, when it happens not even 30 minutes before your alarm is set to go off, it becomes even more frustrating. Why this is I’m not really sure. It isn’t like you were gonna get a whole heck of a lot more sleep in those 30 minutes.

So, you get up and go find ya boy some different britches and notice that it is still pretty dark outside. A glimmer of hope runs through your mind that maybe it happened really early in the morning and you’ll be able to go back to bed. Then, you look at the clock and your hope disappears cause you don’t have time to get more sleep.

But even then you think “we can just lay down until the alarm goes off” but then you find that their little accident happened in YOUR bed; not theirs. Oh what a morning this is already turning out to be. Good thing it’s Friday.

“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
-Julia Roberts 

“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” 
-Franklin P. Jones

What Do You Do?

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What do you do when someone close to you is telling you to do one thing, but something bigger than them is telling you to do another?

The thing the person is telling you to do is technically the most reasonable and sensible option. On the other hand, you know it is something that you will end up being miserable doing and all you can see is repeating the same mistakes you have made in the past.

Now, the other thing that you feel is right for you may not be the most logical. However, it is not only better for your mental health, but something is telling you that this is what you are meant to do.

What do you do when you feel like God is telling your heart to do one thing but your brain and logic is telling you to do another? God has a purpose for every single one of us. Some know almost immediately what that purpose is. Then there are those of us who have been adults for several years and are still unsure of their purpose.

I’m not exactly sure what it is, but something is giving me the feeling that I am right where I need to be right now. The situation I am in is actually due to faults and flaws of my own that I need to work on. These are things that I need to work on and that no amount of money is going to fix.

When my most previous job was being eliminated, it wasn’t even two weeks that I found my current position had actually just been created. It was smooth, stress free, and something just felt right. Something about it still feels right. I’m not one that sees the virgin Mary in a slice of bread, or that finding a penny on the sidewalk is a miracle sent from God. What I do know, is that he knows where we are supposed to be and how we are supposed to get there.

The job I have isn’t glamorous. It doesn’t come with a hefty paycheck that allows me to live a lavish life and right now times are tough. What I do know is that it is doable. It may not be perfect but I wholeheartedly believe this is what I am supposed to be doing. This is where God wants me to be.

“Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.”
— Proverbs 19:21

Women Are Bad Too

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All too often you hear about a single mom, or a woman that was screwed over by a guy. From cheaters, to abusers, to scheming minds, and whatever else you could think of. For many, the story of a child who doesn’t see their father, somehow it is the father’s fault. They were the wrong doers. My question is…how many of the “deadbeat” dads are actually “deadbeats”?

Now, before I go on, there are always 2 sides to every story and, in reality, most of us only get to hear the one side. But, what about the other side to some of these stories?

It has almost become the go-to thought that when you hear about a single mom struggling, or about how a child only has 1 parent, that it is the father’s wrong doings and they need to grow up. The problem here is that it isn’t always the dad’s fault. I have friends that are single dads that don’t get to see their kids because the mom is actually the bad guy.

I have friends who were cheated on, friends who were set up to look like the bad guy in the situation, friends who were ultimately screwed over some how by a toxic woman.

These toxic women are good at making the guy look like a bad father. They talk bad about them to other people, to their kids, to whoever will listen. Sometimes the mom is the problem, not the dad. There are a lot of moms out there that are getting child support paid and anything else they can leech from the father of their child, who barely get to spend time with their own flesh and blood.

This is one thing I hope I’m not doing. I have good reasons for keeping the “father” of my child at bay for the time being. I do not trust him. He may have changed for the better, but while my child is still little, I will protect him from the man that I knew him to be. Maybe one day when my son is older and can understand how relationships, of any kind, work; then maybe I will tell him what happened. However, once he is old enough to know, he will be the one to make the decision. If he wants to meet his father and make his own judgement about him, so be it. As an adult I don’t have to like the man, but I can be civil for the sake of my son.

I pray every day to not be, or turn into, a toxic woman. The situation I left was toxic, that doesn’t mean I, as a person, have to be as well. Forgiving is not forgetting. Forgiving means letting go of the pain and leaving it in the past.

“Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean that the person is not guilty of whatever they did to upset us. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting. Rather, forgiveness means letting go of the pain the incident is causing us. We forgive to give ourselves peace of mind…”
–Martha Sorren, Woman’s Day

Boy!

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When you are pregnant, there seems to be this idea that people want a little boy or little girl. When I got asked the question all the time I had no idea. Boys and girls are completely different. They both have their own fun things about them, as well as not so fun things.

When it comes to names, a similar thing happens. Everybody wants to know what you are gonna name it whether it’s a boy or a girl. Funny thing is, I came up with a name for a boy right off the bat. But, I just couldn’t find a girl name that seemed to fit my little peanut at the time. It was like something inside of me knew my boy was a boy from the get go.

By the time the anatomy scan came due I had already removed my self from the toxic situation I was in, thank goodness. However, with 1 uncle out of state and the other being one that travels a lot for work and has his own kids to worry about, I was kind of worried about my boy not having a man around to kind of look up to.

Here is where I may be about to trigger some people. I was worried that he wouldn’t be “boy” enough. Yes, that sounds weird but boys and girls are different and are different for a reason. I’m not saying I didn’t want him to play dolls or be “girly”, but rather just not a boy.

Many of you will probably say that I am part of the problem of “toxic masculinity” because I have the view point that boys are boys and girls are girls. That is fine, believe all you want but I do believe you can be a man’s man without being a prick, jerk, tool, feel free to insert whatever word you want there.

Back to the point of this post, once my boy started moving around and developing his own little personality I soon realized that he came out with enough boy in him that I no longer worry about it so much. He likes just about every type of sport there is. He loves to get dirty and couldn’t care less if he takes a bath or not. (Don’t worry, he does) The boy is always getting into everything it seems and runs around bouncing off of walls and the floor and anything else that gets in his path without a care in the world. Let me tell ya, he is one tough cookie.

Another aspect of his boy-ism is that he is proud when he passes gas. He has gotten to the point where every time he does he says “I fart like my uncle (insert name)” and does so with the biggest smile on his face.

He also likes to just jump, crawl, and waller around on top of people. He calls it “playing rough”. Let me tell ya something, it is playing rough too cause he weighs almost 50 lbs but you can’t tell it just by looking. He is one strong boy if I say so myself.

Now, as he grows more and more boy-isms appear. Last night just happened to be one of them. So, we get to ride the bus with the girl’s basketball team at our school for away games. This due to the fact that my mother still keeps the books, which she started doing when I played on the team over 10 years ago.

Anywho, we are sitting there in the gym waiting for the game to start back up between quarters and Zackary looks up at me, back to the floor, then back to me and asks “Where are the cheerleaders?” We have zero cheer leaders in our family but yet, this little boy knows about them. I can already see it now, my boy is gonna be a heartbreaker. I mean, I am a little bias but he is a cutie and oh so sweet when he wants to be.

Boy, am I in for a fun ride or what?!?!

Texts

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Text Messaging – the sending of short text messages electronically especially from one cell phone to another.

This is what people do everyday. Most people think it is a great to keep in contact. Especially now with current pandemics throwing everything out of wack. However, it was the go-to method of conversing even before Covid-19 shut everything down.

In some instances it’s alright. People use it to text friends about something funny that happened. Family members use it to ask each other to stop at the store for trash bags or milk. Co-workers use it to ask questions or just spread information in general.

The problems with text messaging really come in to play if you are or are talking to an overthinker. Unfortunately, to overthinkers you may be saying more than you think you are.

To overthinkers, a one word message can actually say a lot more than you think it is. Shoot, any message you send will probably have more than one meaning. Whether you meant it as a joke or were serious, both sides will continuously run through their mind.

Here is where the use of emojis has become essential. Which, in all reality, is kind of sad if you think about it. I mean, nothing can compare to actually hearing a voice and being able to see a person’s body language. These 2 things are key essentials to proper socialization. Especially when you are just getting to know a person.

Like sheesh, are you that rude or am I just misconstruing it that much.

Also, without the nonverbal cues being passed between two conversing people, overthinkers or those with any kind of anxiety or low self esteem will always feel like they are annoying you. Even if you haven’t talked to them in a few days and you actually enjoy it, you may not be sending that message very clearly.

On the other hand, if you are annoyed, tell them. Just be up front about it alright?

Texting is definitely a great invention and has made some things in life a heck of a lot easier. However, us anxiety queens of the world also hate it sometimes.